I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I have so many questions.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.