Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
What?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more