My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
We have a winner.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……