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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.