My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I am never leaving this website
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.