I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*limbos away from your hug*
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.