My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
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Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask