Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood