[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
don’t we all
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity