My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.