“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
2023 was just a warmup
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.