I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Wikigenius
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
The Wolf of Wall Street.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?