My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.