People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
you gotta be faster
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.