New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
is this how new cars are made??
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.