Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
You Might Also Like
What flavor cupcake are these
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?