Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well