Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.