If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.