Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.