For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Go girl power!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Mistakes were made
There are usually two types of merchants.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.