“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
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Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m too immature for adultery.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears