Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
live, laugh, laundry.