*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?