Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
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Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board