[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Don’t make me out nice you.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.