Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
#growingpains
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
No chill.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*