I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours