Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
✌️
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess