You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.