How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
incredible book dedication
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS