The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again