I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.