You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The glockness monster
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE