friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!