Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.