Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity