*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
no!! no!!!!!!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks