wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya