I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Best table by far
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”