Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.