My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
the saddest jazz hands ever
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.