FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Who knew!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
The news in a nutshell.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*