Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
synchronized noseblowing