detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
You Might Also Like
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie