[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
cat vs inanimate object
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.