Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Breaking news:
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Who called it baking and not making love
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it