At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.