If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I am also baked goods
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards