Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.